Part 3 - Second time lucky, or so we thought

 Well, after all the drama and tears of my first loss, my Mum suggested I go away with her. She was off the visit the rellies in Western Australia. I wasn't sure. I felt so crap and I didn't want to leave Sel. But I did need to get away just to clear my head and refresh. So off I went. All the shit with my first pregnancy went down in July and we were going away in September. That was a good gap to get my head together before I left anyway. When we got there it rained and it was cold most of the time, but we did get the occasional gorgeous day. We stayed with my Grandma. She lives a street away from the beach and it's just gorgeous there. I even got to see the sunset over the water. Just beautiful. But, the whole time I was away, I was so homesick. I cried more, and I didn't feel that fantastic either. But, things were looking up. Totally unplanned, because I didn't think I was ready just yet, I didn't get my period which was a week late. At that time it was unusual for me because I'm normally as regular as clockwork. Even after the loss I went straight back to a normal, regular cycle. So I started having suspisions. I did feel like crap. So, I avoided what I should have and waited till I got back home to do the test. It was the longest two weeks away ever. When I did get home, I did the test and low and behold, positive. We were excited but wary at the same time. But, this time it was going to be different. This was the one. We were finally going to get our little miracle. All was going well. Again, I had only slight nausea. I did the usual boods and stuff. And made my appointment for my 12 week scan. I was really tired one day, so I had a nap. When I woke, I got up to go to the toilet. Blood! No, not this time. I went straight off to the doctors. And he got me in that day for a scan. I had to sit outside in the waiting room and drink enough water though to fill my bladder. I was terrified. He asked me when I went for a scan, and I told him my 12 week scan was tomorrow. I was actually 12 weeks and three days along now. I went into the room and got up on the table. I was a mess bynow. Yep, more crying. Seems that's all I do these days. And when he put the thingy on my belly he couldn't find a heartbeat. Again. He said, "I'm sorry, bub is only 9 week size and there's no heartbeat". I mean, break it to me gently why don't you? At that stage, my neighbour had come down to be with me. As soon as she walked in the room, I think the only words that came out of my mouth were, " it wasn't supposed to happen again".  I was heartbroken again. Little did we know that we were to go through this two more times. Only the third one was at 5 weeks and the fourth one was at 8 weeks. Contrary to poplualr belief, it does not get any easier. It still kills me everytime it happens. I'm too scared to get pregnant now. All the excitement has been taken out of it for me. It's only full of stress and worry. I'm not even sure anymore if I want to do it. I don't know how I'm going to feel if I fall pregnant again. I think I'm at the stage where I'm just numb when it happens. Even when I do tell people I'm pregnant, the reaction is, "yeah, well, whatever", or "huh. Dannette's pregnant, again. We'll see". No one cares anymore. That's just what it's come down too. And when I see a pregnant woman on the street or someone with a new born I think to myself, " do have any idea how lucky you are?".  My advice to anyone that has been blessed with children or is having a baby, please don't take one moment of it for granted. It's such a privelege to be able to share your love and your life with someone that you created and nurtured.